


"I Magic Missile the Darkness"

by cauldronofdoom



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Avengers meet D&D, Gen, Gen Fic, Humour, Teambuilding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-06
Updated: 2012-10-06
Packaged: 2017-11-15 18:17:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/530250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cauldronofdoom/pseuds/cauldronofdoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is facinated by the concept of tabletop RPGs, and picks D&D for his choice on game night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"I Magic Missile the Darkness"

_It was a dark and gloomy eve as the band approached the dilapidated building. What once had been a grand church, dedicated to Pholtus, Lord of the Light, had now become ruins. Ruins that housed monsterous abominations, if the rumours were to be believed._

Such was the tale the travellers had been told. It was the reason for their hire: to cleans the grounds, and allow The Light to return.  
*  
“I kick down the door.” 

“Tash, you can’t just have Gruk kick everything in your way!”

“He’s an orc barbarian! He does what he wants!”

“Natasha, there’s no call to quote Loki. Just because Thor’s on a pop tart run doesn’t mean he’s okay with it.” Steve glared lightly at her before turning to Tony. “Quit telling her what to do, Tony. Her barbarian has no reason to listen to your ranger.” He turned back to the ‘head’ of the table. “Jarvis, if I get there before Tash, I want to search the door for traps.”  
*  
 _The thief was tiny, small enough that he couldn’t even carry his own backpack with his spindly little arms, and had a trained attack animal for that entire purpose. One would think this, as well as only being 2’8”, would prevent him from adventuring, but he somehow managed. “Hush, Gruk! There’s a trap here! Just give me a moment to disable it, and then you can kick the door in.”_

“Tiny man work fast!” Gruk ordered, much to the amusement of his fellow hires. “Gruk not wait long.”

Peregrin, known as Pippin, just rolled his eyes and went back to work while the others looked on.  
*  
“I still can’t believe you took your character’s name right from The Lord of the Rings, Steve. Did your imagination get frozen with the rest of you?”

“Can it, Tony. Does Inargillession even count as a name? What did you do, slam your head into a calculator and try to pronounce the ‘word’?”

“It’s an elvish name!”

“Nari’s only half-elf anyway.”

“Don’t call him Nari! That’s not his name.”

“Well, he needs some sort of nickname! I’m not using the whole thing!”

“… I was going to go with ‘Gil’.”

“I have to agree with Steve, Tony. I like ‘Nari’ better.”

“Bruce! We’re science bros! First you overrule me on using THAC0, now you defile my character’s name? Whatever happened to ‘bros before…’”

“Finish that sentence, Tony, and you will not find your coffee come morning. Bruce thinks of me like another ‘bro’, no matter how much you whine. Besides, none of us wanted to play a system you already know how to beat.”  
*  
 _The pressure from the glaring tower of muscle behind him unnerved the young scoundrel enough that he slipped and set off the trap. Luckily, it was only a poison-tipped dart, and sailed harmlessly off to the side._  
*  
“Mine!”

“Thor, what on earth do you want the dart for? And why would any of us argue with you over it?”

“My Argyle is a most proficient sage. Alchemy is but one of his many hobbies, and studying the malevolent poison no doubt staining this cowardly weapon will offer him much insight, I am sure.”

“Argyle? Thor, did you let Clint help you pick a name?”

“Indeed! Is it not a most worthy moniker for such an enlightened soul?”

“… Sure, buddy. We’ll go with that.”  
*  
 _“Tiny man have chance! It Gruk’s turn now!” Pippin scrambled to the side as the 6’4” berserker moved in, ready to be inside already. It ended up taking two solid kicks, but the door bent in and splintered, revealing the chilly darkness within._  
*  
”I enter the building.”

“Wait, Tash! We don’t have any torches lit or anything! We can’t just go in!”

“Speak for yourself, Steve. My Doron and her Gruk are both perfectly fine. See, we have this thing called ‘dark-vision’, and…”

“Shut it, Clint. We’re perfectly willing to sit out here and let you two fight through the whole thing yourselves. We’ll just head back to the town in the morning and collect our reward either way.”

“Hey! You’re the one that said not to split the party, Tony!”

“You need both hands for your bow, correct? And you have low-light vision?” Thor broke in, looking contemplative. “So we have two party members with dark-vision, two with low-light,” He nodded to Bruce, who was playing another elf, “And the only ones that need light close by are the rogue and the wizard, yes?”

“Right.” Clint confirmed. “The two we most want out of the spotlight. How’s this: I’ll cast light on Nari’s headband, or on a cloth he can then use for a headband. He’s the only melee-er that needs a light source at all. Gruk can take point, then Nari with the light, then Pippin, close enough to get involved in the first round where his sneak attack can do good, then Argyle in the middle, since he’s the squishiest, then Bruce’s Shandree, then Doron with his healing, decent AC, and dark-vision at the back. Okay?”

The others nodded their assent, and Bruce sighed before tucking a ten into Tony’s dice box, quickly followed by Steve. Thor cocked an eyebrow, and he Tony elaborated gloatingly. “The cleric’s become team leader within the first three rooms. Bruce bet it would be longer than that, and Steve didn’t think Clint was going to take control, especially since this is all just fantasy.”

Natasha narrowed her eyes, curiosity evident in her body lines. “Why the cleric?”

Tony just grinned, so Bruce stepped in to explain. “Unless there’s a morally strong fighter or possibly a paladin in the group, the cleric’s always the leader, or at least has veto power. Think about it, if the party were to split up for some reason, wouldn’t you want the healer on your side? Unless someone has very strong views on what the party should do, it tends to default to the one with veto power.”  
*  
They quickly stepped into the hallway leading from the door. There were alcoves every few feet on either side, and every ten feet there was another door. Gruk grunted, then started kicking in all the doors on the right side. Pippin and Nari quickly moved to open the left-hand doors, only too aware they may need to retreat to a room with a door at some point.

“These are but the cloister dorms of the monks who must have been present originally.” Nari said softly, and Pippin nodded from where he was busy checking out the footlockers in the room closest to the end of the hallway. Gruk poked his ugly face into the room and grunted, annoyed.

“Gruk,” Pippin piped up, not looking up from his task. “Take Shandree and go explore the rooms closest to the outside, okay? Take the bedding apart, break open the chests, whatever. Just try not to destroy too much we could sell, and make sure Shandree gets a good look at the walls, all right? Just leave the last two rooms on either side for Nari and I.”

Gruk grinned, and went to begin his latest destructive spree.  
*  
“Why’d you tell her to do that?” Tony asked, curious.

Steve shrugged. “Elves can sense secret doors, right? I remember reading about that when I was looking into races. Shandree’s full elf, unlike you, so I figured we could pair her with Gruk and not worry about those ourselves, since you have the search skill too. The newest guys would sleep closest to the door, so this way we have the rooms where we’re most likely to find something. Right?”

“That… is a very good strategy, thank you.” Tony replied, “But I actually meant Tash, not Shandree.”

“Gruk’s not very patient. Smashing chests and tearing old bedding will keep him occupied while we look.”

“Good point. Carry on, JARVIS.”  
*  
Despite their thorough search, the heroes found little in the outer chambers. After giving the door at the end of the hall a quick search, Pippin moved aside and gestured Gruk forward. 

Gruk didn’t even try the handle, just kicked the door down.

Doron’s voice piped up from the back of the party. “What’s tha matter, Gruk? Did a door imply yer mother was an elf last time ya got drunk?”  
*  
“Tony! Tony, are you okay?” Steve’s voice was worried, but his pounding wasn’t helping anything.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Well, I just spat my coffee all over the table and drenched my character sheets, but other than that, I’m okay. Stop hitting me. You’re not helping this whole ‘breathing’ thing us regular humans need to do to live.”

Natasha looked down at her own character sheet and grimaced. Bruce passed her some of the napkins he’d brought in at the start of the session. At her raised eyebrow, he blushed lightly and shrugged. “It wouldn’t be a gaming session if someone didn’t spill something. It’s almost required.”

“Ah.” She remarked as she wiped brown spots off of her paperwork. “Be that as it may, I’m not sitting across from Tony next week.”  
*  
Any reply was cut off by the bolts that flew into the opening, one finding a tender spot on the half-orc. He roared, his eyes filming over red, and charged into the room. With him out of the way, light spilled into the room, illuminating the desiccated remains that somehow managed to stand and hold crossbows in their bony hands.

“Skeletons!” Nari cried out, dropping his bow in favour of the club hanging from his belt as he dove into the fray after the raging barbarian.

The animated dead moved next, recovering, with a speed consistent with an inability to be startled, to the two meaty intruders in their midst.  
*  
“Master Gruk is hit another two times, and takes a total of eight points of damage. Master Nari is struck once, taking only three damage. Next comes Mistriss Shandree, with Master Pippin on deck.” JARVIS was the best at exposition, due to his ability to engage all the senses while describing what’s happening, but he there was a slightly clinical feel to running combat with him. Tony missed hearing the GM call out what the attacks had hit. 

“Oh! My turn.” Bruce exclaimed. “I… uh… it’s only our first combat, but we’ve already taken quite a bit of damage. I’ll start singing. Everyone gets +1 to attack and damage. I’ll also move into the room and over to the side, so I’m out of the way.” He reached for the holograph of his character, moving her into the corner. 

“My turn!” Steve exclaimed, eyes glinting in excitement. “I move into the room to here, flanking with Nari. I’m going to take this route, and I’ll tumble here so I don’t take an attack of opportunity.” He rolled his d20, almost vibrating as he waited for it to stop rolling. This was his first D&D game, a fact true for everyone but Tony and Bruce, but it had been his choice to pick this for game night this week and he’d been excited ever since hearing of the game. Now all the starting paperwork was done, and he could actually hit something. “Score! I rolled a ten, giving me an eighteen. So I don’t get hit, that’s good. Oooh, only a two on the dice. I hit a six, JARVIS.”

Tony blinked at him. “You do realize the AC of the average door is a ten, right? Maybe only an eight, but still.”

Steve blushed. “I’m aware, but it’s how the dice rolled. There’s nothing I can do about it.” He defended, not willing to let the slight against his character go.

“So Pippin came up from his impressive roll both off-center and slightly dizzy, causing him to list to the side as he attempted to strike. Keep it moving, guys, or we’ll be here all night. Who’s next, JARVIS?” Bruce broke in.

“Master Argyle is next, with Master Doron rounding out the initiative order.” JARVIS smoothly replied as Tony sulked and asked Bruce who pissed in his cornflakes that morning.

“Ah, excellent! My mage fires a bolt of energy at the monster our good tracker has already wounded.” Thor fumbled with his d4, finally causing Natasha to pick it up and drop it in his palm. “My thanks, this is a most vexing shape for one with such cumbersome warrior’s hands. I confess, I am jealous of the fine skills you all are capable of performing, my comrades. Oh, and five damage to the injured skeleton… It is five, right? Bruce, your mystical abilities affect spells too, correct?”

“Yeah, you’re good to go, big guy.”

“The skeleton crumbles. If you do not wish to move, it will be Master Doron’s turn.” 

Tony gleefully exclaimed about ‘super cleric speed’ as Thor moved his miniature into the corner on the other side of the door from Shandree. Clint tiled his head, looking at the board, then moved his own character five squares into the room. "I charge.” A quick flick of his wrist sent his dice skittering. “I hit… hmm, bonuses from Bruce and from charging… seventeen. There’s no other bonuses, are there JARVIS?”

“No, sir, but you still strike true.”

“Great. Shitty damage, though. Only five.”

“Noted.”

“Aw, man, are you shitting me? It’s only at one hit point, isn’t it?” Tony grouched, sounding exasperated.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that assumption, sir, but the creature does appear heavily damaged.”

“It’s one of those things.” Bruce explained to the others. “You’ll see. For all it’s only one point, you’d be surprised how often it makes a huge difference, even when you’re getting into the triple digit hit point range. A character of mine from college only managed to get his team out of a situation that would have been a TPK due to one hit point, and our cleric’s insistence that he had enough spells to get me up to full.”

“TPK?” Clint asked.

“Total Party Kill. It means everyone died.” Tony cut in. “I had it the other way. We were fighting a balor-- a balrog, Steve, just call it a balrog, don’t interrupt—and it got another full round of attacks due to still having one hit point. It killed my paladin, then managed to knock out our rogue with an AoO. All on one hit point. It’s just a thing, you’ll see. They’re always at one hit point. Nothing you can do about it. Go on, JARVIS.”

“Very good, sir. We’re back to the top of the initiative order. Master Gruk?”

Natasha’s eyes lit up. “I swing at the one in front of me, power attacking for one. I hit,” She paused for a moment, letting her dice settle, “A sixteen.”

“You hit.” 

“Awesome!” It was almost scary how gleeful this announcement made her. “I do… fourteen points of damage! Take that, undead troublemaker!”

“A crushing blow indeed. The skeleton crumbles. Next up is Master Nari. Would you like to use your move action, Master Gruk?”

“Nah, he’s good where he is.” She replied dismissively. 

“Okay, it’s my go, then. I… hmm… If I move, he’ll get an AoO. I’ll just adjust to here, since five-foot steps don’t provoke, if I remember right, and take a swing at him. Oh, shit. I don’t think a fifteen does it… Wait! Bruce is singing! Sixteen!”

“You hit.”

“Six damage.”

“It dies.”

Steve looked like a kid at Christmas, now that they’d won their first combat. “What next?”

“I stop singing, Tash drops out of rage, and Clint heals us. Then we move on.” Bruce replied, eyeing the different doors in this chamber.

“No! Do not!” Tony declared, looking scandalized. “We loot the bodies! And the room! You always loot the bodies!”

“Why?” Steve asked earnestly, obviously wanting to do this right.

“Do you have any idea how expensive adventuring is? For the first few hires, we’ll be selling the crossbow bolts to raise the funds for arrows, and collecting any unbroken ammunition at the end of combat. We might even be reduced to cooking what we kill. There’s simply not enough we can be effective against without a magic weapon, for one! If we were to run into a ghost right now, only Clint would be any use at all, despite them not really being all that tough…” He continued lecturing on the lack of survivability in the lower levels, and Clint slung an arm around Bruce’s shoulder.

“Drink it in. This is something you will never see anywhere else.”

“A millionaire genius’ billionaire genius son lecturing an art student from the Great Depression on the necessity and methods of penny-pinching? Yeah, and I thought those giant, pink hornets were going to be the weirdest part of the day.”

**Author's Note:**

> Calling all gamers: Can you remind me of some of the little jokes? I've got the title, 'don't split the party', the one hp thing, and a gazebo will show up, but I remember from watching a table of newbies that there are jokes that are hilarious when you're starting out that are no longer so funny when you've been playing a dozen years.
> 
> Also: does anyone know why ao3 insists on moving my italicizing around and deleting it? I originally had all the PC's POVs in it, but now the site won't let me do that.


End file.
